Wednesday, May 24, 2017

EVEN Characters with Disabilities? Get out! Asking Diverse Movement for Help!

Just one minute of your time to maybe get thoughts on the "diversity" publishing trend. You owe me nothing, but I would <3 some thoughts, dialogue, comfort. I see quotes like this from truly nice people everyday:

"Another trend I’m hoping pans out is a long-awaited rise in diverse fantasies. I’ve seen blurbs mentioning sexual diversity, cultural diversity, and ***even characters with physical disabilities!**""
Notice I didn't name this person or share a link because the last thing I want is to give this person crap. But, do you see the problem? Imagine saying: "Books are EVEN coming out about people of color/LGBT people/people who don't like Hamilton: An American Musical." The last one may be ok, because it's an actual freaky thing to not like Hamilton. But, people with disabilities aren't an "Even." The thing is there are many people with disabilities but they refuse to identify because of these attitudes The Mary Sue often does this too and I love them and write for them.

Extreme honesty: It is coming from my own narcissistic anxiety as I am finishing up my book. I am seeing the same thing I see in my past field: A lot of truly well intentioned people mostly white upper middle class ladies and some NOT white that don't get it and don't mean to be in my way but are. How do I start a productive dialogue about why this is worrisome without looking like I am part of the "outrage" PC culture that attacks its friends and eats itself? The other half of the dilemma is if people are really thinking "EVEN those disabled kids," I actually want to know that and fix THAT and NOT correct their language only to have them still think it with no dialogue.

Friday, May 19, 2017

10 Things to Keep in Mind When You Apologize For Being a Bully (or anything)
Here is my advice as a therapist and a person who was bullied. My bully apologized twice. With my experience I say PLEASE TAKE CARE OF HOW (and WHY) you apologize.
  1. Why are you doing it? Are you doing a Mark Wahlberg? Do you just want to be “absolved.” He wanted the pope to “pardon” him, because apparently that’s a thing. You can’t ever “erase” what you did. Part of truly making amends is understanding that.
I don’t just say that as a survivor of bullying but as someone who has made mistakes too. If you are doing it to be completely forgiven to stop feeling bad know that probably isn’t going to happen. Wait on reaching out to the person and do more exploring. CLEARLY YOU (AND MARK WAHLBERG) NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FIRST!
2) NOTE POWER DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU! I’m SURE power differences were there, and they most likely still are. Was the person smaller than you? Not as smart? Smarter but less popular? Were you prettier? Hotter? Did you want to be? Did they have less money or more? Are they a minority? Are you? Are you both male? Both female? Are you male and she female? How were you different?
If you look at this you’d be surprised at how you most likely had privilege they didn’t. (Mark Wahlberg bullied an Asian girl.) These factors can make huge differences in what actually happened and how you apologize. In my case my bully was male and I am female. He was able bodied and I had a physical disability. As we got older the bullying took on a sexual assaultive tone. So, it was so much scarier than some kid just bullying another.
3) You can’t expect a specific reaction. Again explore yourself. Imagine different reactions from the person. Imagine if they didn’t forgive you. How would you feel? Would you be angry with them because you are expecting forgiveness. If you do feel that way know: IT IS OK BUT… you aren’t ready to actually reach out to them yet. Do it if, and when, you are ready for them NOT to forgive you.
4) Do NOT make it about you when talking to the person, unless they ask. I know people who receive these long-ass email apologies. They say things like: “I’m in recovery now.” “I’m working on myself.” “These are all the amazing kind things I’m doing now.”
As a therapist I have no criticism on you working on yourself. This is great! But, the person you bullied probably doesn’t want to hear it. They may hear: “This erases what I did to you right? RIGHT? Please, tell me it is all okay now. ”
You’ve worked hard to be a better person and that makes the world better too. But, it isn’t a true apology if you only want the person to see you and you don’t want to know about them. All the work you did on yourself is best kept to yourself unless they show interest.
5) As with #4, the same could be said for sharing why you did what you did. Even if it is the best excuse in the world. My bully was abused. (In fact, most bullies are abused.) For me, knowing some factors about my bully (abused, financial trouble) helped me understand some things. Note that the person that you bullied may not feel this way. They may not care to know. Of course, the world should be sympathetic to that. You should be sympathetic to yourself, but don’t expect the person you bullied to forgive you due to whatever reason you have.
6) When you apologize keep the setting in mind. Maybe no one does anything in “public” anymore. But now all of online is public. My bully approached me in public two times. He used to attack me physically so imagine how I felt with this person coming up to me. The settings were both horrible- (a funeral and a bar.)
Ask yourself when approaching this person (even in email): How would I feel if someone I was scared of approached me in this way. Would I feel safe? Would I be scared? Would I feel like I had to respond, “Yes I forgive you.” just so they would leave?
7) I have to repeat this one. DO NOT do this in any kind of public setting. This includes online, in tagged Facebook stuff or whatever where the person is pressured to respond. Again, in my story my bully approached me with his group of friends, both times. This is exactly how he would bully me. It took me years (and years) to realize why I felt so horrible.
Why I was afraid and angry. I don’t think he meant harm, but he surely meant to do it with an entourage. I imagine this is how he did everything with a lot of crowd support. He also could get that crowd to turn on me, even though he wasn’t doing that anymore it still felt the same.
8) If you want to truly apologize keep the focus on the other person as much as you can. Make the initial apology short and sweet. “I have thought about how I treated you and I know I made things hard at that time. I think about that and you and I’m so sorry.” No excuses or big speeches. If you want more from them, keep in mind they don’t owe you anything. You can say, “If you want to talk more I would like that.” If they show interest you can talk about what was going on with you, or what is going on with you. If they seem to want to talk you can ask them what is going on in their life and be interested.
9) In the event that it goes really bad … You should respect their feelings. They can say something to the affect of “You ruined my life and it’s not okay.” Just restate how sorry you are. Hear them out if that’s what they want. Don’t argue with them. However this doesn’t mean you have to take verbal abuse. Don’t verbally abuse back. Again just restate the apology and then say that you need to end the conversation. You can say: “I hope one day you forgive me.” But, never say “You should forgive me.” or “You have to.”
10) Know all you can really do is work on yourself, but you can work to stop bullying! Be aware of bullying and teach your kids better. Don’t tolerate it when you see people doing it to others. Yes, bullying can happen to adults among friends and in the workplace.

Friday, March 24, 2017

To all the frustrated nice guys and the people who think we should get them:

*Note: This one was just called to my attention. It is 3 years old, but I'm sure another is right around the corner and this guy is on his way to a divorce. I want to thank most millennials I've seen for not taking this crap. Fight on. Just a generation ago girls were apologizing for liking "mean guys," and giving "nice guys" a chance. NO MORE.  

So you actually are saying  you  don't want girls who are "ready" for nice guys anymore. That's so sad. You say you could have been a dream man to the girls you took out on dates if only they realized it. Now it's too late. I'm sure they are feeling bad now.

I confess, nice guy. I'm going to disappoint you on so many levels. I haven't actually read your whole letter to girls ready to date nice guys. I just know it's not a joke and...I got bored because it's actually not that original.  

But, don't worry. I'm going to solve your problem. Bare with me for a moment as I talk about something other than you. 

When a woman says: "I'm so ready to date a nice guy." 

What she really means is: "You have been really pushy and you seem to want to take me out on a date. I'm going to give it a shot because EVERYONE is telling me to date a guy who seems nice. You keep saying you're nice and you want to take me to a nice place so..."

But who cares what the girl is really thinking, right? You seemed to have it all figured out. But, let me just tell you I would bet anything that when a woman goes out with you she says this to herself:

"He SEEMED ok, but something is off. He won't shut-up about himself. So, I really don't want to be here right now, but I want to be nice. While he talks I'll just text my friend so he'll get that there is going to be no second date or sex. He keeps swearing he's nice so I will tell him he is nice and women do want to date nice guys as I slowly back out of the room. "

Here's what is off is: You aren't nice. Nice people don't talk about how nice they are. Nice people don't need to have their ego stroked for being nice.

It doesn't matter how much money you spend or how many "hours" you put in. A women is going to be able to tell if you are just taking her out and listening to her go on about her stupid problems because you want sex.

Maybe you'll say: "No! I DON'T want JUST sex. If you read my well thought out essay you'd know. I want a girlfriend. I want a pretty girlfriend that I can take out like a doll. Then she'll have sex with me with me whenever I want. And I'll tell her she's pretty and she'll tell me how AWESOME and AMAZING and NICE I am..."

Okay, I apologize. I was wrong you aren't a guy who isn't nice. You are the fucking devil. YOU ARE A WOMAN'S WORST NIGHTMARE. YOU ARE THE HETRO-DATING-ANTI-CHRIST that makes women want "mean guys" because what you aren't saying is this:

"I'm so nice I'll keep her forever, or for years until I decide she isn't the one...Or she WILL BE THE ONE. But, I'll get bored or she won't look so hot anymore or she'll stop constantly telling me how awesome I am. Then I'll get sick of her. So, either we'll divorce or if we don't I always have my porn and my strippers 'cause I'm so nice. She'll be so grateful because there are so many assholes out there."

And I as a woman say: "No thank you. I've figured out who you are. I've been dealing with dudes like you all my life. Every woman has whether they want to deal with heterosexual men or not. I wasn't sure at first, but I can see 20 minutes into
the date this is you. Please, give me a 'mean guy.' That at least won't ruin my life because that will end in a month and be fun. Check please."

Now you'll say: "It's not fair. I try so hard. The mean guys get what they want. The hot guys get what they want. Why, oh, why can't I?" 

As David Wong has explained, every hard working suburban white boy has been told if he plays the game he deserves to have his achievements unlocked. He also sees the unfairness of the "mean" "alpha" guy getting it all so of course he's mad. You can't blame him. As much as I get it Wong, I CAN blame this guy and I will blame him and I'll blame anyone who fosters this attitude. 

As Wong says, we all need to grow up from Kindergarten and learn that life isn't fair. Acting entitled because you grew up that way is not an excuse, and yet he gives men an excuse to act entitled to women. Why ARE WOMEN, no PEOPLE different?? They are they last thing one should feel entitled to:
This is not how you adult. 
This is not how humans treat other humans.
This is how you want a woman to be a prostitute.

But, how can I preach all this when I know deep in my heart us women love mean bad boys? Here's how:

We Don't like the Mean Guys because We hate ourselves or because we are Stupid:

I don't know if this has ever occurred to "nice guys," but us women also have a right to be attracted to beautiful people that may reject us. Once (or maybe more than once) I liked a guy that was so pretty. We both liked the same deep comics. He dated bimbos while I was so deep and surely hot enough, right?

I could have had something with him on the down-low. I didn't. I often regret it. Part of why I didn't do it was because I didn't want to feel like a "stupid girl" that liked "mean guys." Why couldn't I date a nice guy? Answer: Because I just had, all through high school. 

My high school boyfriend was sometimes actually nice. But there were other times he expected sex, time, and attention when I didn't want to give it. He also didn't listen to me very much and thought my interest in certain things were stupid. Everyone said I was mean for breaking up with him. I guess I'd have to give up everything I wanted to be considered "nice" to him.

Meanwhile, as a woman/girl it never even occurred to me to become furious with the pretty guy who didn't want a real relationship with me. I would never think to write him and every guy like him a fuck-you letter. Maybe it's because that would seem a little, I don't know, clingy yet hostile coming from a woman or...

I grew up. I realized people weren't achievements to be unlocked and sometimes people wouldn't like me back. MEN CAN REALIZE THIS TOO. ACTUAL NICE ONES DO.

I also realized maybe I wasn't that deep or awesome because would I really have been so in love with him if he didn't look so pretty? Maybe, but probably not as much. Does that make me a shallow bitch?

I would bet you thousands of dollars that these girls you are writing this fuck-you letter to are under 25 and under a size 12. Maybe they are even a little bit more attractive than you, self-proclaimed dream guy. But if they don't like him for his insides like he likes them for their outsides they are shallow bitches, right?

Do you want to know why I sometimes regret not having sex with "mean" pretty guy? Why I DID have sex with "mean guys" who often had no money by the way??

They didn't act like I OWED them sex. With pretty guy when we didn't have sex he didn't push it or get the slightest bit mad. He didn't tell me how nice he was. In fact he kept saying: "I'm not a good guy." After all the nice guy bullshit for years of my life it was SO sexy.... AND he kept talking to me about comic books and philosophy... In other words he saw me as an actual person, despite also seeing if we could have sex. He wasn't saying: "I'm nice" and expecting a parade. He also would never expect a doting girlfriend to give him certain responses. No pressure. 

And believe me "nice guy" you are full of pressure and you are more dangerous than any "mean guy." "Nice Guys" like you steal our whole youth and souls.

Not that guys like you care but...
When a woman choses to have sex with someone who doesn't feel OWED sex she feels free. 

She actually gets to explore her OWN sexual desire for once and not what other people want from her as a sex object. 

Self proclaimed "dream-man" might say: "I'd love this problem. Please, if some girl would just use me as a sex object."

I'm sure you would. Because you have never been treated like one.  It's how you are treating every woman who didn't like you on a date with this fuck-you letter.

You, my friend, have had full permission to have all your feels and feelings as a heterosexual guy. You wanted women. You wanted HOT YOUNG WOMEN and everyone told you it was okay. Everyone said you were entitled to that.

Imagine not having that. Imagine people telling you all your choices had to consider how the other person was actually feeling and that YOU WERE OWED NOTHING, but you are stupid or shallow if you don't respond in a certain way. 

Guess what? YOU ARE OWED NOTHING. YOU ARE SHALLOW AND NOT THAT BRIGHT. You can respond to us women however you want. You have rights. It doesn't seem like any of your privileges are going away either. But, while you have a right to your response for not getting what you want WOMEN ALSO HAVE RIGHTS. I would say that all human beings have a right to call you out on this bullshit.

So, Congrats on deciding you don't want these awful girls who want "nice guys." You aren't one and you never were. I don't care if your friends, your mom, your town, or every movie before 2009 tells you that you are. You are not nice.

Quick info on actual How to be an actual Nice Guy

I may be baised but my husband is a nice guy. He did take me out to fancy meals. He also would bring over all his movies when I was tired. He didn't get mad when I fell asleep on a date. I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a relationship or sex. He still wanted to be friends.

When I told him this it wasn't a test or a mind-fuck. I wasn't really sure what kind of relationship I wanted to have with him or anyone. I was 30 and I was so tired of people pressuring me to date people in some manic panicked state. I told him we didn't have to go to expensive places. We would take my dog to the park.

 He remained a friend. I knew he was interested in me. I was also interested in him. It was because he was a person that actually listened and talked to me that I knew he was an actual nice person that could be "the man of my dreams."

Or my reality: Today he does a lot of house work. He is more than a 50% parent to our daughter. I gained weight from having our daughter. I've also  have  done what all "hot girls" eventually do as wives. I turned 41.

When these things happened it never occurred to me that he would leave or think he was a wonderful person that deserved a parade for being with me because he's not nice. A person who is nice wants 1,000 Thank You cards. Best friends don't. 

Oh, he also never said he was "nice." He never made me feel bad for not being sure and taking my time. When I told him my past of liking "mean guys" and girls he never made me feel stupid or unwanted. He never made me feel like I should be grateful for him. This is why I am. 

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Artist I was given:  Ani DiFranco

My friend gave me a challenge about writing about one of my oldest best "friends," Ani Difranco. Like many late 90s baby feminists I was alone in the teething days of the internet. Ani was my sister-in-arms because like me she "wanted to be commander and chief of her one woman army." We were alone together. Here's my Facebook Challenge answer/ history lesson/ love letter: 
"Do you prefer the easy way? No. Well, Ok. Then don't cry." - Ani Difranco 1996

Favorite Song: Gravel or Joyful Things or IQ 

Favorite Album: Not a Pretty Girl

Do I like them?

 Very much so. She shows how complex my relationship to music/art/artist is. If you want that story read ahead. And/Or: Like my status for an Artist
I admit I've only been keeping up with Ani minimally for the past decade. That is because I didn't need her as much as a full adult, and just wanted music to be in the background of my life rather than my identity.
 In my college days I pretty much lived for her. I went to shows by myself if no one would go. She was pretty much the only artist saying the things I was trying to say but in better ways.
She also made me feel like less of a freak. I was a feminist who loved girls, but also would be very in love with boys and hung up on them. In the 90s (at least where I was) if you were a "feminist" people thought you hated men and wanted to live in a shaved headed cult with no "values." I wanted "normal" things in a very "abnormal" way. By that, I mean I wanted friends, a relationship and a family (one day maybe) but I wanted them on my own terms where people weren't forcing me to sacrifice myself for them. 

I knew some "militant feminists" at the time of Ani's blowing up. In her album "Dilate" she departed from writing about feminism and politics as a whole. She instead wrote about a guy who was ambivalent about his future with her. Many of her fans were furious. How could she do this? How could she fall in love and just care about that? She was in love with a guy no less! They "needed" her to be a super hero and not fall pray to such girlie weakness! She was selling out! Meanwhile, how many of these girls were feeling broken hearted over a guy? When you were a feminist back then, not only did you have the same feelings as any other girl, but you had the added bonus of hating yourself for it. I know that was me. 

Looking back, and forward, it has taught me so much about the double bind women are in. My favorite lyrics are from the very album after Dilate, Plastic Little Castles, where people thought she really sold out, because she continued to write about said guy. It's from the song Gravel:
"Maybe you can keep me from ever being happy, but you're not going to stop me from having fun."
I was in sort of a similar situation at the time, but for me the lyrics were about far more than any guy. For me they weren't about the guy at all. For me it spoke to all the challenges I faced and will always face (disability, past trauma, more disability ADHD...) Those things will always be there, and I was so tired of saying (for the sake of others) that they didn't affect me, that it was all okay. Those things were/are always going to be there. They were/are always going to be difficult. But, that didn't mean I wasn't going to live as much as I could and have a good time! 
     Ani showed me I could want those things and make my own choices. It also helps that her music is brilliant and can stand on its own. If she just decided to sing about nothing more than a vague broken heart her lyrics as well as music could stand on its own. 

So, "Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right."

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Be a Bitch

If you’re a woman who is loved by all you either don’t know enough people, you’re miserable and exhausted, or both. You need some people to be critical of you. You need the right people to think you’re a bitch, particularly a selfish bitch, in order to life a full life. -

            Jody Sollazzo

Monday, October 31, 2016

Doctors tell a women to greatly risk their health for sex while men get to shut it all down for a headache. How this Mama Finally Said "Enough!"

A men's birth control study has been stopped due to 20% of men getting headaches. This really pisses me off. It isn't because I really need new birth control. My husband and I are no longer having intercourse.  No, I don't hate him, or sex. This isn't a mind game or a test. This is a health decision, and we are still happy, because I stopped listening to doctors. 

Let me start at the beginning. In my 20s when I began the pill I had horrible cramps all the time. They were constant. They were so painful that children couldn't sit on my lap when I was an intern. This couldn't be normal. The doctor told me to "get used to it" and wait months. Perhaps, I had a low pain tolerance? They put me on a lower dose. The cramps continued but they assured me all would be well. Really, I must be so sensitive. 

The pain continued. So did headaches and some mood issues. But, I wanted to be strong. I dreamed a monster was tearing at my stomach. I woke up and the pain was horribly real. After this stopped taking the pill immediately. Due to this I had really bad mood swings and two periods that month. I called people during crying jags. I cut corners at work. I know I had some really unrealistic expectations in my 20s that had nothing to do with whatever the pill did to me. But, after that month I felt failed as an adult and like many 20 somethings moved back home. I took much solace in Buffy The Vampire Slayer and my dog. I will say my mistakes were fully on me. However, all of this hormone dipping and diving did not help. 
Years later, I was in labor with my daughter. The hospital gives pregnant women these orders:

"Make sure the contractions are reasonably intense. Ten centimeters is fully ready to have the baby. If you are lower than three centimeters you will be sent back home until you are more dilated."                                                                                 

In other words: Don't be pussy about your pussy.  I went when the pain was bad for me. I was so afraid they'd sent me home. How embarrassing being weak when you're about to be a mother. But I wasn't. I was at seven centimeters and staff was surprised how well I handled it. 

It turns out I am a pain tolerance badass mama. So, I can't imagine how bad the pain was while I was taking the pill. I wonder what a man would say about it? How many studies would my pain have halted if I were a dude? I wonder what the women in the study for the pill said about the pain and how they were ignored as "hysterical.
At this point in my life I thought the world would leave me and my body alone. (I'm not talking about the constant pressure to have another baby and be thinner. Let's not get crazy. I just mean I thought people would leave my everyday bedroom stuff alone.) I am a "married woman with a child." I'm doing everything this culture wants me to do, right? So bye, Felicia to everyone being up in my business...
But, there was also this other problem - constant urinary tract infections (UTIs). These infections can cause a lot of pain. They would affect me so badly at times with my disability I couldn't walk. They really messed up my professional life too as I was often sick. They would happen every time I had intercourse with my husband. Every time.
Luckily, I could take an antibiotic after intercourse and that stopped them. Yay! Then the antibiotics stopped working. Boo! The UTIs often had atypical symptoms. No burning urination, lucky me. Instead I was utterly exhausted and in pain.
The last time I couldn't recognize a UTI I thought I must have cancer or lupus, or I was just being "crazy." I could barely make it to a child's birthday party down the street after sleeping the whole day. I was missing quality time with my baby girl. This lasted for three weeks until the UTI was realized. This time, I made the decision that I had enough.

I was no longer going to have intercourse. 

-The antibiotics didn't work.
-I was truly getting an infection every time we had sex.
-I am a mother of a young child.
- I am a woman with a disability that would lose the ability to be independent and take care of my child when I had these infections.
-It doesn't take a genius to see what the best and safest thing to do was. 
But no! I can't tell you how many doctors (4 and 3 of them female) told me that stopping intercourse was a bad idea. That this would "destroy my marriage." This is a real quote. In 2016. In Berkeley, CA. The docs acted like whiny high school boyfriends who just really want me to shut up and do it.
Here's all their advice:·      

-Can't I take cranberry pills? (Doing it. Not working)
-Can't I just jump up and pee after sex?? This works for other people (Tried it. It does not for me. Maybe I'm just not a fast jumper with the limp and all)
-Can't I just drink two glass of water before and after sex...? (Okay, that’s a bit..)
 -...And then shower right away

Okay, guys, you want me to drink a ton of water, jump out of bed and pee right after. Then you want me to drink more water and shower? Should I drink while showering? This isn't very romantic. Where are you during all this? On to your next Tinder date? I'm get the feeling you don't really care about me here, doc(s). You just really want me to do it, do it, do it... I have higher self esteem than that. Also, someone who really loves me and doesn't want me to go through all of that. So, what the fuck am I doing here with you? Get out! Get out of my bed. All of you! But.. I suppose I should be grateful for these doctors. The cancelation of male birth control is nowhere near the least disturbing story I have heard these past few weeks.  There is also the story of catholic hospitals who refuse to give birth control, tubal ligations, and abortions for any reason. They will not give abortions when BOTH the baby and mother will die if they don't do it, or when they know the baby will live for a few minutes and be in horrible pain.If catholic hospitals still see woman as only breeding stock. So, I suppose I should be grateful for my doctors who want me on hormones and are pushing me to suck it up and have sex with my husband lest I want my marriage destroyed. 

As women we are being pulled apart by both sides of our culture. There are so many ways to get sick because of sex. Including not being allowed to be sick of sex. Doctors have a responsibility to be better than this!

Maybe doctors aren't very creative people because "no intercourse" does not mean no sex. You think these Godless pill pushers would know that? You think they would know it's also really insulting to my husband to say no in-and-out will tear us apart. 

Do doctors think he is just some animal and that if I don't immediately offer up a hole he is going to take off? He is not Tori Spelling's husband, and Tori Spelling's story should tell you it doesn't matter if you offer up a hole when your husband is already an A-hole.

You want to know what is really stressful on a marriage:

  • Death,Pain,Illness that leaves one of you unable to care for yourself and your child,possible permanent kidney damage... 
  • These are all things that can happen to women with an undiagnosed UTI. I suppose I am lucky I have a husband that understands that these things are more stressful than no breeder sex. Especially, since no medical professionals seems to think he will. They all seem to think intercourse in the end all and be all of sex, which shocks me.

I wonder if it were gender reversed if people would think my hubby was lucky I understood that it wasn't safe for him to have intercourse. Or if I would just be excepted to halt all of my desires, like the male birth control study, because he has some pain.

I can't help but think of all the lives lost or ruined due to secondary complications of the pill and/or doctors pushing women into dangerous situations because we are still either meant to breed or keep other people happy. So, male birth control is being stopped due to men 20% of subjects having headaches? You can just say I have a headache forever. I'm not in the mood. Not for this discriminatory bullshit and not for intercourse, both are making me sick.