What does it mean to have "Grit?" Challenge Vs. Abuse Definition Needed

What does it mean to have "Grit?" We really need to know!

Summary: WE MUST MAKE A WORKING DEFINITION BETWEEN PRESERVING vs. REMAINING IN A MALADAPTIVE SITUATION. STAYING IN A BAD PLACE IS NOT "GRIT" and "QUITTING" ONE THAT ISN'T WORKING ISN'T LACK OF "GRIT."

Drawing a line in the sand with abuse while having "grit"  is what is really going to change the world.

Dr. Angela Lee Duckworth Grit= Success

So, I <3 Dr. Lee Duckworth's work and I know I am also not an expert in it. I'm not attacking the research nor am I attacking "grit" or "perseverance." But, I see this a huge problem in our country, culture war, the world. What I do want is for people to know the difference between harming themselves and "quitting." Yes, I want all kids to finish school. Yes, it would be great if every person stuck out "hard times" to reach their larger goal. I DO THINK THE KEY TO HAPPINESS is seeing "life as a marathon and not a sprint."

However, I can't tell you how many times I've seen people in an abusive situation that stay people "I'm just not a quitter. I don't want to fail." I am not only talking about relationships but about abusive job situations and degree programs. Dr. Lee talks about how it didn't matter "how safe they felt in school" [If a student had grit. They still finished.} While this sounds like a very inspiring inner-city school movie, it doesn't ask: What if I'm so full of grit that I go to school and get killed?
For people with more privilege it doesn't ask: What if I finish this degree program and then I can't get a job because the degree is worthless?
What if I refuse to leave a marriage/relationship/friendship when I am being abused or even if I'm in danger?

What if I have so much grit I refuse to leave a job where I am: underpaid, bullied, sexually harassed, over worked, screamed at, must keep quiet about abuse?

I think it's a good question to ask currently as we see the current administrative claim they are "the best" and "strong" because they refuse to give up on a bill that the vast majority of citizens do not want. They certainly "refuse to quit" as they threaten and bully senators, insurance companies, and the American people over their rights to have medicine and health care that is a matter of life and death. I don't think quitting this enterprise could be seen as "lack of grit." 

It also leads to me to the reality that for many of us somethings can't happen no matter how much grit with have. 

On the disability perspective: She says physical health didn't impact this "grit factor" but how many people did she study who had disabilities who were working at jobs because of their "grit." If she did have them what was their "grit" doing to their bodies and happiness? 

Now I hear all the voices of people saying my generation and the generations ahead of me are quitters. Please know I am a huge fan of grit. It took me 3 years to walk. It took me five times to pass my road test. It took me 2 tried to pass math classes for three years of high school. It took me 9 years to get a degree post-graduate degree. It will have taken me five years for my novel to be done. (I"m so hoping to write faster) It took me over twenty years to become a published author. 

I don't regret my graduate degree but I regret going to a school that was bad for me. I regret that I only loved one place I worked that I ever really loved. I do sometimes think what my life could have been like if I had spent more time and effort writing in my 20s. (It IS a HUGE privilege that this is something I think about!)

I did have the option of leaving bad jobs. My only pain about leaving was knowing people would think I was a "quitter." I think my "grit" and my perseverance is one of my best qualities. However, I think one that is even better is my ability to know that I'm not willing to take abuse when there are other options. 

However, I know that I was only able to do this when I had options. I really want this "grit" work to continue. But I think the MOST important thing we can do if we can't "instill grit" in our kids is to give them the ability to stand up for themselves and keep safe and well and know the difference between this and "quitting."

 What I want is for "grit" to be defined as "It was too dangerous/abusive for me to graduate from that high school, so I found another way." I want grit to be: I didn't give up until I found a safe place." "I kept trying when things were challenging and knew exactly when to leave when things were abusive."

If someone knows more about this research and wants to contact me please do.

Doctors tell a women to greatly risk their health for sex while men get to shut it all down for a headache. How this Mama Finally Said "Enough!"

A men's birth control study has been stopped due to 20% of men getting headaches. This really pisses me off. It isn't because I really need new birth control. My husband and I are no longer having intercourse.  No, I don't hate him, or sex. This isn't a mind game or a test. This is a health decision, and we are still happy, because I stopped listening to doctors. 

Let me start at the beginning. In my 20s when I began the pill I had horrible cramps all the time. They were constant. They were so painful that children couldn't sit on my lap when I was an intern. This couldn't be normal. The doctor told me to "get used to it" and wait months. Perhaps, I had a low pain tolerance? They put me on a lower dose. The cramps continued but they assured me all would be well. Really, I must be so sensitive. 

The pain continued. So did headaches and some mood issues. But, I wanted to be strong. I dreamed a monster was tearing at my stomach. I woke up and the pain was horribly real. After this stopped taking the pill immediately. Due to this I had really bad mood swings and two periods that month. I called people during crying jags. I cut corners at work. I know I had some really unrealistic expectations in my 20s that had nothing to do with whatever the pill did to me. But, after that month I felt failed as an adult and like many 20 somethings moved back home. I took much solace in Buffy The Vampire Slayer and my dog. I will say my mistakes were fully on me. However, all of this hormone dipping and diving did not help. 

Years later, I was in labor with my daughter. The hospital gives pregnant women these orders:

"Make sure the contractions are reasonably intense. Ten centimeters is fully ready to have the baby. If you are lower than three centimeters you will be sent back home until you are more dilated."                                                                                 

In other words: Don't be pussy about your pussy.  I went when the pain was bad for me. I was so afraid they'd sent me home. How embarrassing being weak when you're about to be a mother. But I wasn't. I was at seven centimeters and staff was surprised how well I handled it. 

It turns out I am a pain tolerance badass mama. So, I can't imagine how bad the pain was while I was taking the pill. I wonder what a man would say about it? How many studies would my pain have halted if I were a dude? I wonder what the women in the study for the pill said about the pain and how they were ignored as "hysterical.
At this point in my life I thought the world would leave me and my body alone. (I'm not talking about the constant pressure to have another baby and be thinner. Let's not get crazy. I just mean I thought people would leave my everyday bedroom stuff alone.) I am a "married woman with a child." I'm doing everything this culture wants me to do, right? So bye, Felicia to everyone being up in my business...

But, there was also this other problem - constant urinary tract infections (UTIs). These infections can cause a lot of pain. They would affect me so badly at times with my disability I couldn't walk. They really messed up my professional life too as I was often sick. They would happen every time I had intercourse with my husband. Every time.

Luckily, I could take an antibiotic after intercourse and that stopped them. Yay! Then the antibiotics stopped working. Boo! The UTIs often had atypical symptoms. No burning urination, lucky me. Instead I was utterly exhausted and in pain.

The last time I couldn't recognize a UTI I thought I must have cancer or lupus, or I was just being "crazy." I could barely make it to a child's birthday party down the street after sleeping the whole day. I was missing quality time with my baby girl. This lasted for three weeks until the UTI was realized. This time, I made the decision that I had enough.

I was no longer going to have intercourse. 

-The antibiotics didn't work.

-I was truly getting an infection every time we had sex.
-I am a mother of a young child.
- I am a woman with a disability that would lose the ability to be independent and take care of my child when I had these infections.
-It doesn't take a genius to see what the best and safest thing to do was. 
But no! I can't tell you how many doctors (4 and 3 of them female) told me that stopping intercourse was a bad idea. That this would "destroy my marriage." This is a real quote. In 2016. In Berkeley, CA. The docs acted like whiny high school boyfriends who just really want me to shut up and do it.

Here's all their advice:·      

-Can't I take cranberry pills? (Doing it. Not working)
-Can't I just jump up and pee after sex?? This works for other people (Tried it. It does not for me. Maybe I'm just not a fast jumper with the limp and all)
-Can't I just drink two glass of water before and after sex...? (Okay, that’s a bit..)
 -...And then shower right away

Okay, guys, you want me to drink a ton of water, jump out of bed and pee right after. Then you want me to drink more water and shower? Should I drink while showering? This isn't very romantic. Where are you during all this? On to your next Tinder date? I'm get the feeling you don't really care about me here, doc(s). You just really want me to do it, do it, do it... I have higher self esteem than that. Also, someone who really loves me and doesn't want me to go through all of that. So, what the fuck am I doing here with you? Get out! Get out of my bed. All of you! But.. I suppose I should be grateful for these doctors. The cancelation of male birth control is nowhere near the least disturbing story I have heard these past few weeks.  There is also the story of catholic hospitals who refuse to give birth control, tubal ligations, and abortions for any reason. They will not give abortions when BOTH the baby and mother will die if they don't do it, or when they know the baby will live for a few minutes and be in horrible pain.If catholic hospitals still see woman as only breeding stock. So, I suppose I should be grateful for my doctors who want me on hormones and are pushing me to suck it up and have sex with my husband lest I want my marriage destroyed. 

As women we are being pulled apart by both sides of our culture. There are so many ways to get sick because of sex. Including not being allowed to be sick of sex. Doctors have a responsibility to be better than this!

Maybe doctors aren't very creative people because "no intercourse" does not mean no sex. You think these Godless pill pushers would know that? You think they would know it's also really insulting to my husband to say no in-and-out will tear us apart. 

Do doctors think he is just some animal and that if I don't immediately offer up a hole he is going to take off? He is not Tori Spelling's husband, and Tori Spelling's story should tell you it doesn't matter if you offer up a hole when your husband is already an A-hole.

You want to know what is really stressful on a marriage:

• Death,Pain,Illness that leaves one of you unable to care for yourself and your child,possible permanent kidney damage... 

• These are all things that can happen to women with an undiagnosed UTI. I suppose I am lucky I have a husband that understands that these things are more stressful than no breeder sex. Especially, since no medical professionals seems to think he will. They all seem to think intercourse in the end all and be all of sex, which shocks me.

I wonder if it were gender reversed if people would think my hubby was lucky I understood that it wasn't safe for him to have intercourse. Or if I would just be excepted to halt all of my desires, like the male birth control study, because he has some pain.

I can't help but think of all the lives lost or ruined due to secondary complications of the pill and/or doctors pushing women into dangerous situations because we are still either meant to breed or keep other people happy. So, male birth control is being stopped due to men 20% of subjects having headaches? You can just say I have a headache forever. I'm not in the mood. Not for this discriminatory bullshit and not for intercourse, both are making me sick. 

My not so "conservative" view on AB actors playing "disabled" parts

My friend asked me to respond to this:Scott Jordan Harris's Why The Theory of Everything Is a Disappointing Depiction of Disability

Here's what I said:

Ugh. This why did you ask me this???? This is one of those disability arguments that I hate because it forces me to see that while we are a minority group we are still so connected to -and isolated from- the majority of where we came from. My simple answer: The author’s point about the Oscars and disabilities is spot on. The Oscars are deplorable on all kinds of disability-inspiration-porn. I think the larger problem is the lack of movies and shows that have people with disabilities in them. Maybe one day we can live in a world where we don’t just see people with disabilities as movie and TV vehicles of “inspiration” aka “I saw this movie and I now so grateful for my own problems because I’d rather be anything but disabled.” Imagine if we lived in a world where Rachel from Friends was disabled and sometimes talked about those issues but the character and storyline was basically the same? Looonger answer…


(I personally HATED Rachel from Friends but I wanted to pick someone non-cult iconic. If I had to pick anyone it would be Faith the vampire Slayer. She could be deaf…or Willow could be limping. They came close on Buffy with Tara’s stuttering but not close enough..bBut, done wonderfully by Amber Benson. Anyway, I’m digressing…ADD. They did a really good job with portraying someone with ADD on ER and other disabilities but then it got way too soapy. There is also a larger and way more complex Glee and American Horror Story conversation... ) 

But back to the original question: My more leftist counterparts would be the first to argue and champion that only actors with disabilities should play people with disabilities. Me, I support the idea very much, but then we get back to the old “affirmative action” argument… What if someone else is a more talented actor? I know in the case of a movie like Selma if someone said: “Let’s have Daniel Day-Lewis play MLK,” there would rightfully be out-cry. As far as this I am not so sure; just like I am not so sure that GBLT stories should only be played by GBLT actors. It such a theoretical argument anyway because it isn’t like the movie industry is ever going to do it. They won’t even let fat women be played by fat women or ugly women be played by ugly women. They think it is perfectly reasonable to pair Jonah Hill with a 20 year old super-model-looking actor to play his doting wife.

But as far as the actors: This may get me some hate from my brethren, but when I heard The Ted Talk from Maysoon Zayid I found her entitled in regard to her acting. She complained that she didn’t get the part in her college play of the woman with the disability. (Maybe I was also upset because she was also very cure focused and was using her disability for fame rather than helping the cause IMO. Maybe I’m pissed because her disability problem seems to be she can’t become a celebrity actress and mine is I can’t get a good paying job that won’t accommodate my disability without being hostile. Sorry, Maysoon.) 

Maysoon's Ted Talk

Maysoon’s story was that she didn’t get her college part because they didn’t think she could physically do it. If that is true she SHOULD be mad and it’s ridiculous, but what if she just wasn’t as good at acting as the other woman and they didn’t want to hurt her feelings?? She talked about how this was the only part she could play in her college career. I think she was looking at the whole thing upside down. Why didn’t they just give her other parts and write in a damned disability?!
As I’m criticizing Maysoon I should also commend her for going for it. When I was 12 I wanted to act. I then got a huge case of stage fright. I’m sure this was related to my disability. There are times people have said “you should act.” And I would respond: “It would have to be a cross gendered performance of Richard III.” It wouldn’t have mattered anyway even if I was born able-bodied there was no way I was ever going to be able to be 100lbs without literally killing myself. As a disabled woman there are no parts I’d want to play. 

(PS. I also really suck at acting now. I think people think I’d be good because I have my moments of being funny.)

My friend and long time activist Nina G Comedian and I were talking once. I told her that Eliza Dushku could play her in the movie of her life. She said she only wanting a stuttering actress to play her. I saw her point but kept think “Oh, but Eliza would be perfect!” I always wanted Britney Murphy to play me. (It can’t happen now L. RIP Britney. I think what really killed her was anorexia.) I then realized the true problem was not that I didn’t really want a disabled actor to play a part but that I know virtually no disabled actors (other than that kid from Breaking Bad or Facts of Life woman.) 

There is no way I WILL know any disabled actors until we get more disabled parts. I’m sure that there are many talented actors with disabilities and even if they gave every disabled role to a disabled person we would still be sadly under-represented.

The Glee stuff that tries to go beyond inspiration porn is not enough ( and yes, I do think Ryan Murphy should have gotten a “real wheelchair kid” and researched wheelchair dancing, but I still appreciate the effort.) And I am grateful for Family Guy/South Park and the like for making fun of inspiration porn and having actual disabled characters! Efforts like Tim Minear of Dollhouse and American Horror Story have shown the complex relationship of disability’s strengths and weaknesses while it not being the only thing about the character is more my personal favorite. (I don’t know why I’m not that into this season of AHS. I think it was because the I know the moral center of Lobster Boy is doomed. I LOVED the disability parts but got sick of the woman cattiness and the rich psycho. I have like 6 eps to catch up on. )  
However, there still needs to be much much more on disability…. We need to marry the fringes of the efforts of Ryan Murphy and writers like Tim Minear and Family Guy…What I mean by that is seeing disability in all aspects of “primetime;” like some shallow How-I-Met-Your-Mother show with a major disabled character or a show like Modern Family with a disabled kid where it is not a tragedy (Luke and Hayley being stupid doesn’t count.) Then we can see more actors with disabilities. 

You asked for my thoughts. Anyway, we should get the kids together and hang out. I promise we can just talk about good pre-schools.