From a mother with a disability to one who grew up with it: My letter to Brock Turner’s Mother

From a mother with a disability to one who grew up with it: My letter to Brock Turner’s Mother,

         I confess I haven’t been at my best with your son’s case. It was so easy for me to use you as an example of someone that is nothing like me. At first, I only read “the worst” parts of your letter (the complaints about decorating.)  But, the more I read the letter the more I realized that we are alike. I’m a mom. I love my family more than anything. I love my community. In fact, the recent events in the media made me decide to bring my family to church. (Godless Unitarian Church because I am, after all, one of those California people.)

         I saw that you had a brother with a disability. You used him in your letter to show Brock’s kindness as you have every right to. I mean, you gotta use what you have. I know I would talk in my college admissions about my going back to the hospital where I stayed after my orthopedic surgeries. I went there for “to give back to kids more disabled than me,” because, goodness knows, I wasn’t really one of them. But here is the thing. I was one of them. Because, really I'm like you, a suburban mom, AND I'm a person with a disability too. 

But there are things that bother me. Things that you seem to think make us different and ways that I feel we are different. 

First I have to get your story about Brock selling popcorn to a woman that was too disabled to eat it. 

You talked so much about Brock sacrificing for achievements.  Everyone sacrifices for their achievements. That’s why they’re achievements. You should know from your brother that people with disabilities have to work so hard for just any achievement (walking, reading, eating food with no teeth.)

Honestly, there is one story you tell about Brock that makes me feel like we are very different moms. It isn’t going to be what you expect. It is the story you tell proudly of Brock winning yet another competition. He wanted to be the TOP SELLLER in Boy Scouts. So, he sold an abundance of popcorn to a 90-year-old woman who had no teeth.

         This here achievement doesn’t make Brock special. To me it shows he’s manipulative and competitive. Granted we are very different people in the regard. To me it shows that this might be how Brock really treats people with disabilities, or people who are disabled, (like incapacitated) when he wants to win something. I’m not saying it shows he is a rapist. I’m sorry to say the evidence shows that.

         You brag that while she couldn’t even eat the popcorn Brock was “so charming” and “respectful” that she just had to buy the popcorn from him. Now, maybe you’re right. Maybe this was a great experience for this woman to have such a great privilege to talk to your son. But, I can’t help but think that your son was taking advantage of her. He wanted to win. He sold her something that she couldn’t use so he could win. He convinced her. Maybe he was charming, maybe he was pushy. Maybe she really just wanted him to go away. I don’t know.

But, I know you shouldn’t be bragging about this. Being “charming” to win something isn’t being kind to someone. There should be no pride in getting what you want from someone that may be lonely or an easy target. As you had a brother with a disability it kind of freaks me out that you don’t see this. Also, your a nurse so this really freaks me out that you don't see this  That woman was a person, not someone that Brock could use to reach a goal.

          

         You’re brother had a limited mental capacity. You and he were very different. He could never achieve what you achieved no matter how hard he worked. Maybe you set out to achieve a lot being the sibling of a disabled person. This happens, this feeling to overcompensate to make up for the grief your family felt for a disabled child. I can’t imagine what your family went through caring for your bother and then losing him. When Brock connected to your brother he was connecting to another person. Not just an object that he could use for inspiration, or a lesser person.   

Brock was an almost Olympian he is probably the most able bodied person there is. You say he can’t be a rapist because he has worked so hard for this. Brock’s ultimate goal is to be an orthopedic surgeon. Meeting these goals wouldn’t make him a good person. They would just make him physically and economically superior. They would give him power over the rest of us, much like you as a nurse.

 It would have been an astounding achievement to ultimately work with people with disabilities.  Some people say he can still be an orthopedic surgeon. I’m sure to you it would be just after all the suffering. They make bank. My middle class parents paid off orthopedic surgeons for years. But, that wasn’t your point. Your point was that Brock is kind to the weakest of people, those with disabilities.

 I hope he continues that kindness despite not getting all the reward he wanted for it because that is what actual kindness is. I hope he can learn to always be kind to people that have less power than him even when things don't go his way. I know you feel powerless right now and he does too. But, you actually still have a lot of power. I think that is why us people who have been truly powerless are so upset.  

When you are in the medical profession and working with us people with disabilities please remember we are people too. 

You mention how hard you all work and how Brock always wanted to make something of himself. He was so successful. Surely, working harder than everyone else should give you at least something. Some kind of pass. 

         Nope. Sorry. Mom to mom trauma victim to trauma victim I will tell you it is: LIFE IS NOT A CONTEST. Life isn’t fair. You can be working hard and following all the rules and you can fuck up and hurt someone one time—one time—and you still have to pay. I know all about this, life's unfairness. 

When I wasn’t much younger than Brock (high school) I started out golden with grades. Then had a lot of depression and PTSD. (I also had untreated ADHD.) I probably committed what you would think is the ultimate sin: ... I stopped working hard! 

This had consequences: I couldn’t go to some top tier college. I had to go to summer school a lot. People thought I was a loser. They didn’t give me any free passes because I had been working so hard for two years. Maybe this was the only time I was ever like over achieving Brock. Even with having surgeries I worked and worked to make sure I was ready for high school.  Part of why I stopped the hard work was because, like Brock now, I was traumatized and depressed. The reasons were different. I had trauma. 

Of course this has nothing to do with your son. Maybe I'm not so great??  Maybe I don't come from a good hard working family?? Maybe I come from the fast-moving city life you refer to?"

I'll tell you: My family loved me as much as you love your kids.  I come from the most suburban place you could imagine. The house I grew up in might have been bigger than yours. Granted my trauma is much more like the trauma of your son’s victim. Again we aren't holding a contest here. It's just... much of your letter to Persky talked about the Brock's hard work and his winning of contests and it kind of won Persky over, didn't it? Brock is only going to serve 3-6 months. I imagine it doesn't feel like a win. 

If life were a contest of who deserves more I would go with your son's victim. I would be phoning in for it would be her. I think about her all the time as a mother would think of a daughter, even though she has taken care of me more than I could ever care for her. Her letter was life changing. I almost don’t feel worthy to write to her or about her. You didn’t seem want to write about her either in your letter to the judge. I think you know, in this world, and in this time: her letter wins. 

But, life isn't a contest, and I'm glad because if it was people like me would always lose. People with disabilities usually lose contests. So do a lot of other people like people of color, drunk girls, old ladies with no teeth. 

You wrote about how Brock made sure he won first place for a boy with a mental disability during his time volunteering for the Special Olympics. You said he was so upset when he came in second once while trying to WIN for this kid with a disability. You do realize that if Brock always wins someone else loses, right? When he did come in second that day other kid working with a kid with a disability was able to win. 

 When Judge Persky let Brock off with 6 months and when you and your husband complain about his suffering you are saying his victim's life and safety is worth less than his life.  

Funny thing I bet you and I grew up in similar towns: 

Towns where people overlooked me and my friends' cries for help around sexual assault and bullying. People overlooked so many rapes where my friends had been drinking. Including my friends themselves. Maybe you think it was better this way? Maybe you had a "rough night" with a town hero you want to forget. Maybe not. Maybe you think that only happened to girls worth less than you. Here's where we may be different because I would NEVER think that. I know every victim could be me.  Maybe that's just because I'm not a winner. I can assure you that many other sexual predators will be getting away with their abuse. Some of them will be good people most of the time. All of them are responsible. The survivor is not responsible.

 I am worth something. Your brother was worth something. Every sick person you see is worth something. 

Every person is worth something and has a right to not be assaulted. 

It doesn't matter who their abuser is or what they have done before or after. It doesn't matter who the survivor is and what they have done before or after. 

The girl your son assaulted is my hero.   In some ways it makes me sad that my hero is fifteen years younger than I am. I know she is probably able bodied and upper middle class and white, like Brock. But she is so different from him. She is so different from you because when she wrote her letter and started her "small fire" she included everybody. She didn't talk about how she was somehow special.She was speaking for every survivor that couldn't speak. Every poor rape victim that can't write. Every one with a disability. Every one of color. Every boy, cisgendered, or trans person. All of us that that has been sexually assaulted or bullied and was made to feel that it was or fault. 

 It's the time of my daughter who won't have to grow up in the rape culture that I did. If I had a son it would also be the time of my son.

It's time for all of us to win even the losers that had to work hard just to survive. 

The Paradox of giving advice on Motherhood as a writer Or Disabled Mom Writer Admits Jezabel.com was right about everything (??)  

I wrote this in response to fellow woman writer who is single and thinking of being a mom. Of course, I emailed her an awful ADD version filled with typos and this one is better. Without her I wouldn’t be posting or writing. Women can keep each other alive as artists! Even though she blogged about it publically I am keeping her identity out of this.

Hi 37-year-old fellow Writer in my group,

I was struck by your post about whether or not to have a baby as a single woman while struggling with your independence and art. I feel like I might be able to offer some insight as a mom of a three-year-old and writer.  

With the pressures I currently have as a mom I probably have about a 50% chance of finishing the book I set out to write in class. The percentage that anyone will ever read the book besides my friends is probably lower, but regardless of the end result, having people pulling for me is a great gift. Being “selfish,” and making the book a priority until December was something I couldn’t have done without writing class.  

I have one of those typical stories of women writers where I in no way had my shit together enough to write when I was young. I had the added challenge of having a physical disability. There was no waitressing-while-writing-option for me. But, honestly it probably wouldn’t have happened anyway because I put too much into my relationships like a lot of women. No, that sounds blaming…

I just had to take that time in my 20s (and some 30s) to figure out who I was. I wrote my first published short story when my daughter was a year old. There were times I was writing it and she, and my partner, begged me to quit writing it and I almost did. (Her as a one year-old crying at a closed door and my partner saying I was becoming too obsessive.) I have become firmer with both of them about writing. I know that you are in a better situation. You are more developed as writer/artist, but I wanted to give you my perspective.

If you take away only a few things that I say from this let it be these next few paragraphs:

You do have some time to make this decision! Don’t let people pressure you too much or make you think you don’t have time. Even well-meaning parents can do this as you pass the age they were when they had you. I don’t know if this is your situation, but sometimes even the most loving families can push you to have a baby or make you feel like your eggs are “rotting away” when this is not the case.  Often it is their own anxieties about babies and/or just their own mortality in general. (My sister-in-law actually said my eggs were “rotting away.” Consequently, she had a baby when she was a year younger than me.)

 You have about five years, maybe more. Risks and difficulty increase gradually but seem to get really hard at 45 for most. Don’t let the looming big 4-0 push you. Doctors freak out when women have a baby after 40, but that is their own biases a lot of the time. A lot can happen in 3 years or 5 years. So, do consider that.

As a woman with a disability I was told by one doctor to not have a baby even though there was no medical evidence that said it would be harmful. When it comes to babies and parenting it seems no one can keep their personal shit to themselves. If/when you become a parent this continues. It totally worth it, and survivable, but you will be judged in a way you haven’t been judged before.

The truth: It’s going to be harder to be a writer and, director, or artist. You aren’t going to be able to accomplish as much as you did if you didn’t have the baby.

 One hard fact is: you are never truly alone again.

Even when you spend time without your child they will still be pulling on you. 

You will have times when you have to sit there with your (awake at 11PM) child and think: “If I wasn’t sitting here I could be writing brilliant things right now.”

You will feel the guilt.  You will go through the guilt, and learn to drop the guilt. You will learn that it isn’t selfish to nourish yourself as an artist.  You are going to be a better mom for it. People may judge and you’ll  get defensive. You’ll become tempted to become one of the moms I'm going to mention blow and say you never felt guilt and NOTHING has changed for you as an artist.

You will learn to put time aside for yourself as a writer/artist by hook or crook. The more money you can have or make the easier this is.

There are going to be some women writers/artists out there that tell you being a mom didn’t change their art because somehow they are stronger/better/faster/read The Secret that other moms did not.  They are usually the same moms that tell you that they are somehow a perfect mom.  

There are also their counterparts: women that will go on about how they didn’t have a child. They will tell you that this is the best thing they ever did. It would be fine if it stopped there but they usually follow this up with stories about women they know (or do not know) who are either:

A) horrible parents

Or

B) ruined by becoming a parent

This will be all under the guise of feminism. (I’m looking at you Jezabel.com. Shame on you!)

Both sides are bullshit. This makes parenting (and childless by choice) a competitive sport.  Everyone wants to think they are winning. Yay them.  Again this is more projection of their insecurities. Women end up judging each other due to the amazing strain we are under. We are turning on each other because we are either being judged as parents or women who chose to not have a child.  These are also the people that see everything in black and white. These people would take anything I say out of context such as:

“Writer Mom Admits Defeat” or “Writer Mom is Bitter Towards Child” or “So-Called-Feminist Therapist Mom Advises Against Single Parenting,”

Not that I am any kind of important for people to care, but if I was that is what would be happening.  So…“Disabled Under-Employed Mom Thinks She’s Hot Shit.”

The next this here may be a little controversial: having a baby is so much easier when you have a partner.

 Of course you also need a community.  You can pay to have that community around you as well your family, but they can’t ever fully compensate for a partner that also is a co-parent to the baby and also sees said baby as their full responsibility too.

 I’m not saying you can’t do it or shouldn’t do it being the only parent, but it is just harder regardless of whatever system you have in place.  Your best friends and your best-paid help aren’t going to have the same commitment as you.

I am not telling you to go out and find a man. (But, I don’t want to live in a world or even a Hollywood where YOU can’t find a good one.) I am just saying it would be much easier if you had someone who shared your parenting with this child. 

 If you did want to go the romantic route you have time to find someone that has the same goals. (You can even find them after.) I also think society shits on women this way by telling us it is wrong or desperate to try to find someone who wants children and commitment.

   There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and how you want it and finding someone who wants the same thing. Even if you break up you will always have a mostly likely devoted person to that child. Even if he goes the midlife crisis route of the 25 year-old wife, he will still be a good dad.

You may have totally rejected this romantic route. But the other controversial thing I want to say is this:

Us women artist/writers/romantics/tortured souls can be THE WORST at picking guys. This may or may not apply to you. If it doesn’t just have fun reading ahead for entertainment:

 I was THE WORST with this.

(I dated a lot of artist and writers who talked up feminism but couldn’t drive or know how to pay a bill and thought I could do it- HA! Subsequently, these are the guys that help me a lot with my writing career now. Some were able to develop their careers in their 20s better probably because they weren’t so hung-up on their relationship with me and weren’t lost driving around. They also didn’t have my disabled white woman problems. Or maybe they were just better than me. Hi guys!  They have wives now who aren’t writers who drive them places and pay bills. Maybe these wives ARE great artists too and are just better at multitasking than me. Hi wives!)

I am not one of these women that says: settle down with an investment banker that is totally boring. Politics, world-view and common interests are so important. I’m just saying being a devoted parent and being able to make sacrifices to do so can be the most important common interest.  This may be someone who isn’t a writer/artist but is a fan of it.  This may be someone who has a more stable job so you can you what you do. They may not be a fan of your work personally, but as long as they support you doing it- aces! (Not that I’m speaking from my personal life. Hi partner who probably won’t read this, but allowed me to write it by taking care of house stuff today)

So, my writing workshop woman, I leave you now with a bunch of wonderful paradoxes. The worst/best one being ignore people’s advice and projections while I gave you a bunch of advice and projections. Maybe this is the best way women, particularly moms, can support each other, by being honest, including being honest about our own personal feelings on these subjects.

Good luck! Keep writing. I believe greatly in Virginia Woolf’s advice for women about having a room of your own. Virginia Wolfe never got to be a mother, a doctor told her not to because of her “emotional problems”, and she listened. I wonder what she would have written if she had been a mother. There would most likely be less volume to her work. However, maybe we would have better insight on motherhood and writing.  

LL