The Paradox of giving advice on Motherhood as a writer Or Disabled Mom Writer Admits Jezabel.com was right about everything (??)
I wrote this in response to fellow woman writer who is single and thinking of being a mom. Of course, I emailed her an awful ADD version filled with typos and this one is better. Without her I wouldn’t be posting or writing. Women can keep each other alive as artists! Even though she blogged about it publically I am keeping her identity out of this.
Hi 37-year-old fellow Writer in my group,
I was struck by your post about whether or not to have a
baby as a single woman while struggling with your independence and art. I feel
like I might be able to offer some insight as a mom of a three-year-old and
writer.
With the pressures I currently have as a mom I probably have
about a 50% chance of finishing the book I set out to write in class. The
percentage that anyone will ever read the book besides my friends is probably
lower, but regardless of the end result, having people pulling for me is a
great gift. Being “selfish,” and making the book a priority until December was
something I couldn’t have done without writing class.
I have one of those typical stories of women writers where I
in no way had my shit together enough to write when I was young. I had the
added challenge of having a physical disability. There was no
waitressing-while-writing-option for me. But, honestly it probably wouldn’t
have happened anyway because I put too much into my relationships like a lot of
women. No, that sounds blaming…
I just had to take that time in my 20s (and some 30s) to
figure out who I was. I wrote my first published short story when my daughter
was a year old. There were times I was writing it and she, and my partner, begged
me to quit writing it and I almost did. (Her as a one year-old crying at a
closed door and my partner saying I was becoming too obsessive.) I have become
firmer with both of them about writing. I know that you are in a better
situation. You are more developed as writer/artist, but I wanted to give you my
perspective.
If you take away only a few things that I say from this let
it be these next few paragraphs:
You do have some time
to make this decision! Don’t let people pressure you too much or make you think
you don’t have time. Even well-meaning parents can do this as you pass the age
they were when they had you. I don’t know if this is your situation, but
sometimes even the most loving families can push you to have a baby or make you
feel like your eggs are “rotting away” when this is not the case. Often it is their own anxieties about babies
and/or just their own mortality in general. (My sister-in-law actually said my
eggs were “rotting away.” Consequently, she had a baby when she was a year
younger than me.)
You have about five years, maybe more. Risks
and difficulty increase gradually but seem to get really hard at 45 for most. Don’t
let the looming big 4-0 push you. Doctors freak out when women have a baby
after 40, but that is their own biases a lot of the time. A lot can happen in 3
years or 5 years. So, do consider that.
As a woman with a
disability I was told by one doctor to not have a baby even though there was no
medical evidence that said it would be harmful. When it comes to babies and
parenting it seems no one can keep their personal shit to themselves. If/when
you become a parent this continues. It totally worth it, and survivable, but
you will be judged in a way you haven’t been judged before.
The truth: It’s going
to be harder to be a writer and, director, or artist. You aren’t going to be
able to accomplish as much as you did if you didn’t have the baby.
One hard fact is: you are never truly alone
again.
Even when you spend
time without your child they will still be pulling on you.
You will have times
when you have to sit there with your (awake at 11PM) child and think: “If I
wasn’t sitting here I could be writing brilliant things right now.”
You will feel the
guilt. You will go through the guilt, and learn to drop the guilt. You will learn that
it isn’t selfish to nourish yourself as an artist. You are going to be a better mom for it.
People may judge and you’ll get
defensive. You’ll become tempted to become one of the moms I'm going to mention blow and say you
never felt guilt and NOTHING has changed for you as an artist.
You will learn to put
time aside for yourself as a writer/artist by hook or crook. The more money you
can have or make the easier this is.
There are going to be
some women writers/artists out there that tell you being a mom didn’t change their
art because somehow they are stronger/better/faster/read The Secret that other
moms did not. They are usually the same
moms that tell you that they are somehow a perfect mom.
There are also their
counterparts: women that will go on about how they didn’t have a
child. They will tell you that this is the best thing they ever did. It would
be fine if it stopped there but they usually follow this up with stories about
women they know (or do not know) who are either:
A) horrible parents
Or
B) ruined by becoming a parent
This will be all
under the guise of feminism. (I’m looking at you Jezabel.com. Shame on you!)
Both sides are
bullshit. This makes parenting (and childless by choice) a competitive sport. Everyone wants to think they are winning. Yay
them. Again this is more projection of
their insecurities. Women end up judging each other due to the amazing strain
we are under. We are turning on each other because we are either being judged
as parents or women who chose to not have a child. These are also the people that see everything
in black and white. These people would take anything I say out of context such
as:
“Writer Mom Admits
Defeat” or “Writer Mom is Bitter Towards Child” or “So-Called-Feminist
Therapist Mom Advises Against Single Parenting,”
Not that I am any
kind of important for people to care, but if I was that is what would be
happening. So…“Disabled Under-Employed
Mom Thinks She’s Hot Shit.”
The next this here may be a little controversial: having a baby is so much easier when you have a partner.
Of course you also need a community. You can pay to have that community around you as well your family, but they can’t ever fully compensate for a partner that also is a co-parent to the baby and also sees said baby as their full responsibility too.
I’m not saying you can’t do it or shouldn’t do it being the only parent, but it is just harder regardless of whatever system you have in place. Your best friends and your best-paid help aren’t going to have the same commitment as you.
Of course you also need a community. You can pay to have that community around you as well your family, but they can’t ever fully compensate for a partner that also is a co-parent to the baby and also sees said baby as their full responsibility too.
I’m not saying you can’t do it or shouldn’t do it being the only parent, but it is just harder regardless of whatever system you have in place. Your best friends and your best-paid help aren’t going to have the same commitment as you.
I am not telling you to go out and find a man. (But, I don’t
want to live in a world or even a Hollywood where YOU can’t find a good one.) I
am just saying it would be much easier if you had someone who shared your
parenting with this child.
If you did want to go
the romantic route you have time to find someone that has the same goals. (You
can even find them after.) I also think society shits on women this way by
telling us it is wrong or desperate to try to find someone who wants children
and commitment.
There is nothing wrong with knowing what you
want and how you want it and finding someone who wants the same thing. Even if
you break up you will always have a mostly likely devoted person to that child.
Even if he goes the midlife crisis route of the 25 year-old wife, he will still
be a good dad.
You may have totally rejected this romantic route. But the
other controversial thing I want to say is this:
Us women artist/writers/romantics/tortured souls can be THE WORST at picking guys. This may or may not apply to you. If it doesn’t just have fun reading ahead for entertainment:
Us women artist/writers/romantics/tortured souls can be THE WORST at picking guys. This may or may not apply to you. If it doesn’t just have fun reading ahead for entertainment:
I was THE WORST with
this.
(I dated a lot of artist and writers who talked up feminism
but couldn’t drive or know how to pay a bill and thought I could do it- HA!
Subsequently, these are the guys that help me a lot with my writing career now.
Some were able to develop their careers in their 20s better probably because
they weren’t so hung-up on their relationship with me and weren’t lost driving
around. They also didn’t have my disabled white woman problems. Or maybe they
were just better than me. Hi guys! They
have wives now who aren’t writers who drive them places and pay bills. Maybe
these wives ARE great artists too and are just better at multitasking than me.
Hi wives!)
I am not one of these women that says: settle down with an
investment banker that is totally boring. Politics, world-view and common
interests are so important. I’m just saying being a devoted parent and being
able to make sacrifices to do so can be the most important common
interest. This may be someone who isn’t
a writer/artist but is a fan of it. This
may be someone who has a more stable job so you can you what you do. They may
not be a fan of your work personally, but as long as they support you doing it-
aces! (Not that I’m speaking from my personal life. Hi partner who probably
won’t read this, but allowed me to write it by taking care of house stuff today)
So, my writing workshop woman, I leave you now with a bunch
of wonderful paradoxes. The worst/best one being ignore people’s advice and
projections while I gave you a bunch of advice and projections. Maybe this is
the best way women, particularly moms, can support each other, by being honest,
including being honest about our own personal feelings on these subjects.
Good luck! Keep writing. I believe greatly in Virginia Woolf’s
advice for women about having a room of your own. Virginia Wolfe never got to
be a mother, a doctor told her not to because of her “emotional problems”, and
she listened. I wonder what she would have written if she had been a mother.
There would most likely be less volume to her work. However, maybe we would
have better insight on motherhood and writing.
LL
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