10 Things to Keep in Mind When You Apologize For Being a Bully (or anything)

Here is my advice as a therapist and a person who was bullied. My bully apologized twice. With my experience I say PLEASE TAKE CARE OF HOW (and WHY) you apologize.

1. Why are you doing it? Are you doing a Mark Wahlberg? Do you just want to be “absolved.” He wanted the pope to “pardon” him, because apparently that’s a thing. You can’t ever “erase” what you did. Part of truly making amends is understanding that.

I don’t just say that as a survivor of bullying but as someone who has made mistakes too. If you are doing it to be completely forgiven to stop feeling bad know that probably isn’t going to happen. Wait on reaching out to the person and do more exploring. CLEARLY YOU (AND MARK WAHLBERG) NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FIRST!

2) NOTE POWER DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU! I’m SURE power differences were there, and they most likely still are. Was the person smaller than you? Not as smart? Smarter but less popular? Were you prettier? Hotter? Did you want to be? Did they have less money or more? Are they a minority? Are you? Are you both male? Both female? Are you male and she female? How were you different?

If you look at this you’d be surprised at how you most likely had privilege they didn’t. (Mark Wahlberg bullied an Asian girl.) These factors can make huge differences in what actually happened and how you apologize. In my case my bully was male and I am female. He was able bodied and I had a physical disability. As we got older the bullying took on a sexual assaultive tone. So, it was so much scarier than some kid just bullying another.

3) You can’t expect a specific reaction. Again explore yourself. Imagine different reactions from the person. Imagine if they didn’t forgive you. How would you feel? Would you be angry with them because you are expecting forgiveness. If you do feel that way know: IT IS OK BUT… you aren’t ready to actually reach out to them yet. Do it if, and when, you are ready for them NOT to forgive you.

4) Do NOT make it about you when talking to the person, unless they ask. I know people who receive these long-ass email apologies. They say things like: “I’m in recovery now.” “I’m working on myself.” “These are all the amazing kind things I’m doing now.”

As a therapist I have no criticism on you working on yourself. This is great! But, the person you bullied probably doesn’t want to hear it. They may hear: “This erases what I did to you right? RIGHT? Please, tell me it is all okay now. ”

You’ve worked hard to be a better person and that makes the world better too. But, it isn’t a true apology if you only want the person to see you and you don’t want to know about them. All the work you did on yourself is best kept to yourself unless they show interest.

5) As with #4, the same could be said for sharing why you did what you did. Even if it is the best excuse in the world. My bully was abused. (In fact, most bullies are abused.) For me, knowing some factors about my bully (abused, financial trouble) helped me understand some things. Note that the person that you bullied may not feel this way. They may not care to know. Of course, the world should be sympathetic to that. You should be sympathetic to yourself, but don’t expect the person you bullied to forgive you due to whatever reason you have.

6) When you apologize keep the setting in mind. Maybe no one does anything in “public” anymore. But now all of online is public. My bully approached me in public two times. He used to attack me physically so imagine how I felt with this person coming up to me. The settings were both horrible- (a funeral and a bar.)

Ask yourself when approaching this person (even in email): How would I feel if someone I was scared of approached me in this way. Would I feel safe? Would I be scared? Would I feel like I had to respond, “Yes I forgive you.” just so they would leave?

7) I have to repeat this one. DO NOT do this in any kind of public setting. This includes online, in tagged Facebook stuff or whatever where the person is pressured to respond. Again, in my story my bully approached me with his group of friends, both times. This is exactly how he would bully me. It took me years (and years) to realize why I felt so horrible.

Why I was afraid and angry. I don’t think he meant harm, but he surely meant to do it with an entourage. I imagine this is how he did everything with a lot of crowd support. He also could get that crowd to turn on me, even though he wasn’t doing that anymore it still felt the same.

8) If you want to truly apologize keep the focus on the other person as much as you can. Make the initial apology short and sweet. “I have thought about how I treated you and I know I made things hard at that time. I think about that and you and I’m so sorry.” No excuses or big speeches. If you want more from them, keep in mind they don’t owe you anything. You can say, “If you want to talk more I would like that.” If they show interest you can talk about what was going on with you, or what is going on with you. If they seem to want to talk you can ask them what is going on in their life and be interested.

9) In the event that it goes really bad … You should respect their feelings. They can say something to the affect of “You ruined my life and it’s not okay.” Just restate how sorry you are. Hear them out if that’s what they want. Don’t argue with them. However this doesn’t mean you have to take verbal abuse. Don’t verbally abuse back. Again just restate the apology and then say that you need to end the conversation. You can say: “I hope one day you forgive me.” But, never say “You should forgive me.” or “You have to.”

10) Know all you can really do is work on yourself, but you can work to stop bullying! Be aware of bullying and teach your kids better. Don’t tolerate it when you see people doing it to others. Yes, bullying can happen to adults among friends and in the workplace.

The Paradox of giving advice on Motherhood as a writer Or Disabled Mom Writer Admits Jezabel.com was right about everything (??)  

I wrote this in response to fellow woman writer who is single and thinking of being a mom. Of course, I emailed her an awful ADD version filled with typos and this one is better. Without her I wouldn’t be posting or writing. Women can keep each other alive as artists! Even though she blogged about it publically I am keeping her identity out of this.

Hi 37-year-old fellow Writer in my group,

I was struck by your post about whether or not to have a baby as a single woman while struggling with your independence and art. I feel like I might be able to offer some insight as a mom of a three-year-old and writer.  

With the pressures I currently have as a mom I probably have about a 50% chance of finishing the book I set out to write in class. The percentage that anyone will ever read the book besides my friends is probably lower, but regardless of the end result, having people pulling for me is a great gift. Being “selfish,” and making the book a priority until December was something I couldn’t have done without writing class.  

I have one of those typical stories of women writers where I in no way had my shit together enough to write when I was young. I had the added challenge of having a physical disability. There was no waitressing-while-writing-option for me. But, honestly it probably wouldn’t have happened anyway because I put too much into my relationships like a lot of women. No, that sounds blaming…

I just had to take that time in my 20s (and some 30s) to figure out who I was. I wrote my first published short story when my daughter was a year old. There were times I was writing it and she, and my partner, begged me to quit writing it and I almost did. (Her as a one year-old crying at a closed door and my partner saying I was becoming too obsessive.) I have become firmer with both of them about writing. I know that you are in a better situation. You are more developed as writer/artist, but I wanted to give you my perspective.

If you take away only a few things that I say from this let it be these next few paragraphs:

You do have some time to make this decision! Don’t let people pressure you too much or make you think you don’t have time. Even well-meaning parents can do this as you pass the age they were when they had you. I don’t know if this is your situation, but sometimes even the most loving families can push you to have a baby or make you feel like your eggs are “rotting away” when this is not the case.  Often it is their own anxieties about babies and/or just their own mortality in general. (My sister-in-law actually said my eggs were “rotting away.” Consequently, she had a baby when she was a year younger than me.)

 You have about five years, maybe more. Risks and difficulty increase gradually but seem to get really hard at 45 for most. Don’t let the looming big 4-0 push you. Doctors freak out when women have a baby after 40, but that is their own biases a lot of the time. A lot can happen in 3 years or 5 years. So, do consider that.

As a woman with a disability I was told by one doctor to not have a baby even though there was no medical evidence that said it would be harmful. When it comes to babies and parenting it seems no one can keep their personal shit to themselves. If/when you become a parent this continues. It totally worth it, and survivable, but you will be judged in a way you haven’t been judged before.

The truth: It’s going to be harder to be a writer and, director, or artist. You aren’t going to be able to accomplish as much as you did if you didn’t have the baby.

 One hard fact is: you are never truly alone again.

Even when you spend time without your child they will still be pulling on you. 

You will have times when you have to sit there with your (awake at 11PM) child and think: “If I wasn’t sitting here I could be writing brilliant things right now.”

You will feel the guilt.  You will go through the guilt, and learn to drop the guilt. You will learn that it isn’t selfish to nourish yourself as an artist.  You are going to be a better mom for it. People may judge and you’ll  get defensive. You’ll become tempted to become one of the moms I'm going to mention blow and say you never felt guilt and NOTHING has changed for you as an artist.

You will learn to put time aside for yourself as a writer/artist by hook or crook. The more money you can have or make the easier this is.

There are going to be some women writers/artists out there that tell you being a mom didn’t change their art because somehow they are stronger/better/faster/read The Secret that other moms did not.  They are usually the same moms that tell you that they are somehow a perfect mom.  

There are also their counterparts: women that will go on about how they didn’t have a child. They will tell you that this is the best thing they ever did. It would be fine if it stopped there but they usually follow this up with stories about women they know (or do not know) who are either:

A) horrible parents

Or

B) ruined by becoming a parent

This will be all under the guise of feminism. (I’m looking at you Jezabel.com. Shame on you!)

Both sides are bullshit. This makes parenting (and childless by choice) a competitive sport.  Everyone wants to think they are winning. Yay them.  Again this is more projection of their insecurities. Women end up judging each other due to the amazing strain we are under. We are turning on each other because we are either being judged as parents or women who chose to not have a child.  These are also the people that see everything in black and white. These people would take anything I say out of context such as:

“Writer Mom Admits Defeat” or “Writer Mom is Bitter Towards Child” or “So-Called-Feminist Therapist Mom Advises Against Single Parenting,”

Not that I am any kind of important for people to care, but if I was that is what would be happening.  So…“Disabled Under-Employed Mom Thinks She’s Hot Shit.”

The next this here may be a little controversial: having a baby is so much easier when you have a partner.

 Of course you also need a community.  You can pay to have that community around you as well your family, but they can’t ever fully compensate for a partner that also is a co-parent to the baby and also sees said baby as their full responsibility too.

 I’m not saying you can’t do it or shouldn’t do it being the only parent, but it is just harder regardless of whatever system you have in place.  Your best friends and your best-paid help aren’t going to have the same commitment as you.

I am not telling you to go out and find a man. (But, I don’t want to live in a world or even a Hollywood where YOU can’t find a good one.) I am just saying it would be much easier if you had someone who shared your parenting with this child. 

 If you did want to go the romantic route you have time to find someone that has the same goals. (You can even find them after.) I also think society shits on women this way by telling us it is wrong or desperate to try to find someone who wants children and commitment.

   There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and how you want it and finding someone who wants the same thing. Even if you break up you will always have a mostly likely devoted person to that child. Even if he goes the midlife crisis route of the 25 year-old wife, he will still be a good dad.

You may have totally rejected this romantic route. But the other controversial thing I want to say is this:

Us women artist/writers/romantics/tortured souls can be THE WORST at picking guys. This may or may not apply to you. If it doesn’t just have fun reading ahead for entertainment:

 I was THE WORST with this.

(I dated a lot of artist and writers who talked up feminism but couldn’t drive or know how to pay a bill and thought I could do it- HA! Subsequently, these are the guys that help me a lot with my writing career now. Some were able to develop their careers in their 20s better probably because they weren’t so hung-up on their relationship with me and weren’t lost driving around. They also didn’t have my disabled white woman problems. Or maybe they were just better than me. Hi guys!  They have wives now who aren’t writers who drive them places and pay bills. Maybe these wives ARE great artists too and are just better at multitasking than me. Hi wives!)

I am not one of these women that says: settle down with an investment banker that is totally boring. Politics, world-view and common interests are so important. I’m just saying being a devoted parent and being able to make sacrifices to do so can be the most important common interest.  This may be someone who isn’t a writer/artist but is a fan of it.  This may be someone who has a more stable job so you can you what you do. They may not be a fan of your work personally, but as long as they support you doing it- aces! (Not that I’m speaking from my personal life. Hi partner who probably won’t read this, but allowed me to write it by taking care of house stuff today)

So, my writing workshop woman, I leave you now with a bunch of wonderful paradoxes. The worst/best one being ignore people’s advice and projections while I gave you a bunch of advice and projections. Maybe this is the best way women, particularly moms, can support each other, by being honest, including being honest about our own personal feelings on these subjects.

Good luck! Keep writing. I believe greatly in Virginia Woolf’s advice for women about having a room of your own. Virginia Wolfe never got to be a mother, a doctor told her not to because of her “emotional problems”, and she listened. I wonder what she would have written if she had been a mother. There would most likely be less volume to her work. However, maybe we would have better insight on motherhood and writing.  

LL